Friday, October 30, 2009

The jinfoolery Contest

Alright... enough is enough already!
I need to laugh (laughter being the best medicine & all...) & you know what?
Y'all are going to make me laugh.


Oh yes you are.
Really!
It's true!
Know why?
Huh?
Know why?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Because!

He (or she) who makes me laugh hardest & longest is going to win themselves a SWEETBOX shipped directly to your home or office (must be located in the US or Canada) all on me! Wait- I mean the cost is on me. My treat. You can't actually eat the sweets on me. Oh stop groaning, like I'd give that away for free! Sheesh... where was I?

The Rules:
Leave me a comment (one entry per person please) describing the most embarrassing situation you've ever been in. You don't need to be a Blogger member, a Twitter fan, a FaceBook friend or any of that- anyone can enter! You must also leave a name- whether it's your first name, your internet persona or your pseudonym (just so I can keep track of everyone).

The Jincouragement:
Per chance you haven't already noticed, my sense of humour runs dark & I'm not much for censorship, so do feel free to let loose in the comment section. Go ahead & Make My Day; you know you want to.

The Detailz:
I will award one SWEETBOX prize valued at $45.00 (including shipping/handling) to be sent anywhere in the US or Canada. I will personally choose the pastry assortment you receive. I will decide who wins based merely on this criteria: the funniest, most embarrasing tale, in my opinion, which makes me giggle over & over again with twisted delight. Oh, don't worry, I won't be laughing at you, I'll be laughing with you. *ahem*

Contest starts now & ends on Sunday, November 8th. The winner will be chosen & prize shipped shortly thereafter.

Ready...

Set...

Play!

30 Responses to “The jinfoolery Contest”

angel said...

OMG Jin... how cruel could you be, tempting me in like that...

:(

I am going to be insanely jealous of whoever wins!!



Here's a joke from me anyway :D

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!
Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for old boy?"
Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference old boy?"
Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.."
Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair.. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the f*$k out of the lawyer with it and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down????"

Splotchy said...

I have a HORRIBLY embarrassing story, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to share yet.

jin said...

Angel:

Oh am so sorry for teasing you my dear! I have never shipped to Africa before & my worries lie in the package being delivered in a timely manner (mouldy pastry? Ewww! ;-)

As for your joke: LMFAO!!! I like! :-D

jin said...

Splotch!

Oh share. Share. Please share. Please please please share. Coming from you I KNOW it'll be good! Sign in as anon under your first name if you don't want blog peeps to know. ;-)

Aled said...

I once tripped over a dwarf. Quite embarrassing.


I know I can't win the prize (Damn UK!), but I thought I'd share!

Jay Ferris said...

For this story we must go way back to the summer of 1998. I had just completed my first year of college and was looking forward to a few lazy months, where all I had to do was coast through the office job my advisor set up for me. From what I had gathered about the position, my days were going to be boring and routine, probably filing or something equally tedious.

Things turned out to be quite different than expected. Although I was never given an official job title, I'm pretty certain it included the words "punk bitch." Essentially I became a personal assistant for the two EVP's of one of the largest fast food chains in the Midwest. Dry cleaning, gift buying, you name it; no task was too menial. It was even required of me to keep their personal bathroom stocked with up to date reading material and a stupid little tray of imported mints.

About six weeks into the job, I started experiencing some strange but intense itching and burning on my man bag. It turns out that through a combination of the humid Texas heat, my constant running around, and less than amicable laundry habits, I had a new kind of fuzz growing on my privates. Some call it crotch rot or crack fungus, but most know it as good old fashioned jock itch.

The campus nurse put me on a strict regimen of Ibuprofen, Tough Actin' Tinactin, and airing out my nut sack. Most nights I just sat around pantless with a fan blowing on my bits, and it was bearable. During the day, however, was a completely different story. Pain and burning and itching and more raw pain.

I had the Tinactin spray, which works great on the spot and can be easily applied in the confines of a public restroom, but it doesn't last very long. For real relief, you need the thick, sticky cream. The only place I could accomplish the yoga moves necessary to apply the cream was -- you guessed it -- the EVP's private bathroom, which I just happened to have key for.

So here I am, pants down around one leg, the other up on the sink, and I'm vigorously rubbing a handful of John Madden's crotch cream in. Before I can do anything, the door swings wide open, and there's an EVP, eyes now glued to my junk. I didn't move a muscle, yet managed to whimper "Not good." Apparently in my haste for satisfaction I had neglected to secure the privacy lock on the inside of the door. Oops.

I was immediately fired without question. There may have been some room for understanding had I not also been using one of their pricey hand towels to spot mop the excess cream, for which they actually had the nerve to deduct $20 out of my last paycheck.

jin said...

Aled:

I can completely visualize you doing that. I bet you recovered quickly & smoothly though!

Oh, btw- this was not the titillating post I was speaking of... that one's coming soon! ;-)

I've actually shipped to the UK with great success but it always costs 2 to 3 times what that the pastry does! Eek! Thanks for playing anyway! You rock!
:-)

jin said...

Jay:

Aha! You are the very first official entrant! Yay!

Now if I can stop laughing long enough to finish typing this comment all will be fine in the universe.
;-D

P.S. I'm going to play the optimist here- aren't you glad this happened before there were video cameras everywhere?!
;-)

Thanks for playing!!!

Jewels said...

I'll... have to think about this... 'cause I do have a few embarrassing stories, but I think I might need a stiff drink before I share them... Goddess knows, I sure could use a Uniquely Yours Sweet box ;p

jin said...

Jewels:

I'll bet you do! Well... what are you waiting for? Have a drink (or two or three) and shaaaaarrrrrreeeeee with me!
;-D

Randal Graves said...

I don't have any stories of any kind, but I love eating sweets off of sexy dames so I'll see what I can make up before the deadline.

jin said...

Randal:

Yes yes I'm quite sure you've never ever been embarrassed in your entire life (judging from the smugness of your avatar). Although, once you start thinking about it, I'm sure something will come up. Oh dear, that didn't come out quite right! I meant that I thought I had never been jinbarrassed before but after contemplating for three weeks & two days I recalled one time when I may have been... hmm... maybe if I get more peeps sharing I'll share mine.
;-D

Ok Jin, even though there is no way I can compete with Jay, I have an entry for you. Your comments section wouldn't let me post anything so lengthy so I had to do it in a post on my own blog. Consider this my entry.

CP

jin said...

CP:

Then consider your entry official!

I didn't realize there was a limit to Blogger comments... I've never been cut-off before. Then again, maybe you're more long winded than I. teehee.
much luv,
me!
;-)

Bubs said...

I was getting ready to leave work early and go to a Christmas party when someone jumped from the 5th floor of the nursing home. A light snow was just beginning to fall when I arrived, and I followed a nurse’s footprints and the tracks from the crash cart she was pushing along the north side of the building. Judging from the amount of gray matter surrounding the jumper’s shattered head he wouldn’t be needing the crash cart, so I told the nurses to get back and I secured the scene. It looked like the jumper was a double amputee, and I relayed this information to the officer who went upstairs to try and determine who jumped. I didn’t notice until I saw the photos later that the jumper wasn’t an amputee at all—his legs had folded underneath him on impact, and his two bedroom slippers were on the pavement no more than 10 feet from where I stood. I was so rattled I didn't even notice the two bedroom slippers just a few feet away from where I stood. The nurses were yelling at each other in Tagalog, and the residents were yelling at everyone from the windows, and when the dispatcher called on the radio to ask my location I forgot what side of the building I was on and all I could answer was “I’m in the landing zone.”

jin said...

Bubs:

Oh my goodness! I bet you got teased about that for a while. However I'm sure they knew exactly where you were, you needn't have been more specific.
;-D

A few days after jinMom went into the nursinghome, when she wasn't yet immune to the piss & disinfectant smell, she asked me to open the window for some fresh air. I got it to open a couple inches & then it seemed to get stuck. I pushed with all my might & it wouldn't budge. Upon closer jinspection I saw that there was a large thick nail strategically placed so it was impossible to open the window all the way. When jinMom asked me what was up with that I tactfully replied, "Someone probably already jumped out to kill themselves & they don't want anyone else to do it." (Well, tactful coming from me. Trust. ;-)

You are entrant #3! Thanks for sharing!

okjimm said...

The Box fell out of the ambulance as it crossed the railroad tracks. Big styrofoam one. I picked it up, no label and not getting the ambulance name, I looked inside for info. It was a severed human toe. I freaked. Called all the hospitals in the area. Called all the ambulance companies I could find on Yellow pages. No one knew a thing. Nadda.
So there I was,,, a severed human appendage packed in dry ice. I was stumped! I didn't know what to do!
Finally.... I did the logical thing.... I called for a.............. Toe Truck.

jin said...

okjimm:

Heeheheheeeeheheheee! :-D

This is Wisconsin sir... you're quite lucky it was only a toe. Bwa-hahaha!
;-D

Consider yourself entrant #4.

okjimm said...

ok. need a laugh? here's a laugh....

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?

Where do they go?

Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well
as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout
its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.

The penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow." Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

jin said...

okjimm:

OMG!!!
That was so bad it made me laugh.
:-P
:-D
Which I do need to do. Depressed as fuck lately. Very very very unjinlike btw. I'm the eternal optimist: "The glass isn't only half full... there's more in the fridge!"
...but right now I can't even seem to find the damn glass...

There I was, working at the elephant ride at the Milwaukee Cunty zoo. I was helping turistas on to the elephant from atop a large stand. The elephant is hard to miss being an elephant and all. A woman comes up and I tell to start getting on and I'll help her up. She asks, "Where is the elephant?" I am almost ready to ask her if she is blind or something because the largest mammal on dry land is standing right in front of us, when I notice she has a red and white cane tucked under her arm. Fortunately I kept my mouth shut and got the woman atop the beast for her ride.

okjimm said...

Gees, kiddo... I love to spread laughs. Especially when people are drinking a half full glass of beer and spit it out their nose! Funny, huh?

jin said...

phos:

...in at #5 with your adorable Milwaukee Zoo typo. Hee! I'm assuming it was jintentional.
;-)

jin said...

okjimm:

Remind me never to sit next to you while you're laughing & drinking beer.
;-D

JBP said...

Most importantly I hope you get a smile from this ...
A whole bunch of years ago - I was a teen actually - there were four hormone drenched youths who came up with an overnight plan to avoid parental observation. The young ladies had made arrangements to "sleep over" in a tent in one of their back yards. We two boys had made similar arrangements but were, of course, going to meet our respective girlfriends in the tent.
Then came the problem. One tent - two couples. We "rock, paper, scissored" a decision and I lost. He got to have his conjugal visit in the tent and I was relegated to the great outdoors. So, we climbed a cherry (somehow ironic) tree that overhung the backyard and he climbed down to snuggle in the tent. I stayed in the tree. Unfortunately we made enough noise to draw suspicion from the girls parents and on came the lights. A watchful Dad came out and investigated but the boy was well hidden in the tent and I was silent and motionless in the tree. That is what actually proved to be my undoing. To remain motionless I jammed my leg between two branches of the tree. All was well for a while. Once the Dad had satisfied himself that there were no predatory suiters looming he returned to the house. We waited for a while until we were positive that the risk of discovery had passed and my date left the tent to look for me. Unfortunately, my leg had fallen asleep in the interim. Lust overcame my good sense and I quickly climbed down into the yard but no sooner had I planted my feet in the suburban lawn that the porch light came back on but this time it was the Mom. In an attempt to avoid detection I "ran" across the yard. With my leg not participating in my escape, I was doing a pretty reasonable zombie imitation as I staggered toward the garden gate. Unfortunately, the Mom saw my shadowy figure and screamed bloody murder with such volume and intensity that the girl in the tent (not aware of my meandering escape) actually wet her pants. Here is the picture - parents ranting about calling law enforcement, two young men about to be tarred and feathered and two very embarrassed girls who are desperately trying to explain everything.

This event became a topic of conversation for decades . . .

jin said...

JBP:

Heeheheheeee!!!!!!
I can picture that! :-D
Especially the gimpy escape!

Thanks so much for sharing!!!
:-D

Entry #6

foam said...

oh well ..
here goes ..
don't know if it's really that embarrassing ...
but years ago during the mid 80s mr boyfriend (mr foam now) and i were touring his visiting parents through germany. we were in rothenburg ob der tauber, a beautiful small medieval town overrun by tourists and expensive and not so expensive giftshops. while future parent in-laws were shopping, mr future foam and i perused some other shops. we were a young couple then constantly holding hands (we still do, actually) but we got seperated in one of the shops. i was perusing on my own when i felt this tall presence beside me again. with relieve i took my hand and linked it in the hand of mr future foam. then i slid my hand up his bare arm and made little circling motions around his arm. then i tucked my hand around his waste and stuck my hand up the back of his shirt and rubbed his back. all the while i was looking at the plethora of little german handmade knickknacks ..
and then i turned around to give mr future foam a kiss ....... only to find that this was not mr future foam, but another tall lanky handsome fellow who with great humor was smiling down at me ...

oops ... :)

jin said...

foam:

LMAO!!!
I SO luv that he didn't say anything... what a perv! heehee

I admit, for a second I was worried you were going to say it was the future mr foams dad!!! That may have creeped me out. This made me laugh.
;-D

Thanks for sharing entrant #7!!!

Did I win yet???

Dale said...

Sadly, nothing embarrassing has ever happened to me so I won't win, damned charmed life! Hilarious comments and stories though!