Astounding Absurdity

Please enjoy perusing these droolicious photos
before being slammed
with the most asinine inquiry of the Millenium

Lemon Bavarian Cream Charlottes

Triple Chocolate Angelfood Cake

Banana Split Cheesecake


* * * * *

[Please Note: this is not a joke! The question was genuinely asked with sincerity.]

Upon eying my glorious display of pastries for sale the customer asks:
"Is all this for free?"

Customers From Hell Volume X"Pathetic Pastry Phisher"

I honestly believed I had heard and seen it all. That is, until last week. Thankfully (or not) I was given a rare yet fabulous opportunity to create another Customers From Hell post- just for you!

I do a substantial amount of my wedding cake business over the internet. There have been several occasions when I have never met, or even spoken with, the bride or the groom. Everything can be finalized right through this very monitor your eyes are glaring at! Have a strange request you're jinbarrassed to speak about? Email away! Bring it on! Paypal is our friend. (BONUS- I won't tell anyone you ordered 10 dozen anatomically correct gingerbread. ;-)

Upon checking my voicemail the other evening I came across a strange nearly inaudible message. After replaying it roughly 5 times, I managed to make out 3 distinct things:
1) that it was some type of operator assisted call
2) there was interest in a wedding cake
3) an email addy to reply to

Frankly, it sounded dodgy to me. I contemplated not responding, but that's just not how I do business. The next day I sent an email and attached a copy of our wedding cake brochure. I received a reply the next day. It mentioned the 'relay call' and a semi-detailed description of the wedding cake Mike Williams wanted to order. He signed the email "God Bless".

RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!!

Apologies to those genuine religious peeps reading, but I would have bet my life on the fact that anyone who signs an email with "God Bless" is only out to screw you out of something... er, in this case, screw ME out of something.

After sitting down & having a heart to heart with my buddy Google, I find that the 'relay call' is a free service for the hearing and speech impaired. Oh the toil my brain fell under... should I blow off the possible potential customer or should I respond one last time? What to do what to do what to do...

In the end, the only reason I responded one last time, was because if it really was a hearing or speech impaired customer I did NOT want to discriminate. Because that's just plain wrong and jin's can't do things like that.

I sent a short email with a base price quote. What I received back seriously pissed me off! One glance at the rest of the details confirmed that it was a goddamned phisher!!!! Trying to scam a wedding cake?! WTF?!!? Do criminals have ZERO boundaries? [Don't answer that I was being facetious.]

Had I replied back,
this is what I would have said:

Dear Mr. Mike Williams
aka nightoceanview@yahoo.com
If you honestly think I would make you a wedding cake to serve 300 people AND pay out of my pocket $700 shipping charges to your carrier by credit card YOU are the f@cking moron. I sincerely hope no one else on this planet falls for your scam, but should they be naive enough to do so, I pray you shall have all of your extremities chewed off bit by tiny bit by rabid creatures of the night until you are merely a torso left out in the freezing cold in a pile of your own feces.
God Bless,
jin

More info on the loser here. I'm also making all my labels to this post about the scam should any other unfortunate cake maker fall prey.


*****EDIT: 4/15 6.30PM
I received another email today! He claims he's still interested in the wedding cake but is having trouble with his 'nightoceanview' email account working properly. *HUGE jingrin* If per chance one of you messed with it after reading this... you are AWESOME!!! :-D
The new contact addy he gave is:
meruwa@live.com

Customers From Hell Volume IX"The Non-Customer"

Recently I mentioned I was included in a story written for an area newspaper. A couple weeks after that, our local newspaper reprinted another version of the same story. (Click here to view the online version. Note: in the newspaper there was an additional photo; a large cookie close-up.)

The photo of me was actually taken in mid-November, hence the reason I'm still wearing my wedding rings. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was that they were blatantly there for all to see even though I am currently available. Why you ask? Well, this brings us to my first tale...

"The Non-Customer that Wouldn't Go Away"

Many years ago there was an unhitched jin that had her photo in the newspaper along with a story about her cakes. Most unfortunately the photo included a close-up of her left hand sans rings. As any local female who has been in this same position will tell you, "Manitowoc does have it's share of weirdos and if they find your name & number after seeing you in the news they will call you."

I was warned by another area business woman but thought nothing of it... until...
One sunny afternoon I was busy filling orders when the phone rang.
me- "Uniquely Yours Pastry Shoppe Jennifer speaking."
he- "Uh, hi. I'd like to place an order."
me- "Ok, when would you like this for?"
he- "Uh, I'm not sure."
me- "Ok... well, do you know what you'd like or shall I go over our brochure with you?"
he- "I know what I want."
me- "Ok, what would you like?"
he- "I wanna take you to dinner."
me- "Excuse me?"
he- "Will you go to dinner with me?"
me- "Uhhh..." *Thinking omfg! You've got to be kidding me?!!?*
he- "I saw your picture in the paper & you look like the type of girl I'd like to go out with."
me- "Well, I'm sorry but you have to realize how this sounds. I am not going to go out with someone I've never met."
he- "Can I come over now and meet you then?"
me- "NO! Uh... I mean I'm closing now, sorry. I have to go. Bye."

*Click*
I hang up the phone and decide to never answer it again ('twas the unfortunate days before Caller ID).

The next day I'm going about my business when I see a flower truck pull up. In walks the delivery guy (who I am acquainted with) carrying a large arrangement. I tell him I'd like to see the card before he leaves. It says, "Will you have dinner with me?" There is a name & a phone number. I tried to insist that the delivery guy take the arrangement back with him. I did not want to accept it for I had a bad feeling about the whole situation. He said it was his job to deliver them & that's what he had to do. DAMN!

I go over all my options & decide to simply do nothing. Silly jin, I forgot that doesn't work with demented individuals. DOUBLE DAMN!

He called again & I got caught answering (this is a business after all & I couldn't ignore my sane customers). I thanked him for the flowers & apologized but I was still not going to dinner with a complete stranger. I hung up the phone.

[Let me interject here... I have no idea why I didn't just lie & say I had a boyfriend. Like... a world champion body builder maybe... that just got out of prison... for... umm... killing a stalker! Yeah! That would have been great! Why didn't I think of it then?!!? ACK! Slow jin! Er, not to be confused with sloe gin.]

The next day he came to my shoppe and introduced himself. He also informed me ummm... ok I'm censoring this part actually... too much detail and it involves weird stalkerish behaviour on his part. Anyway... I still ended up saying I would not go to dinner with him and it was awkward and he just stood there like he wasn't going to leave. He eventually said, "Tell me what I have to do to impress you!" I accidentally blurted out in a jincredibly annoyed tone, "Usually if a guy wants to impress me he comes into my shoppe and actually spends a few $ & BUYS something I make!!!" His reply, "Will you go to lunch with me then?"

You all know I hate being a bitch, I really do... but if push comes to shove... well, let's just say I knew I had to be. To get rid of him I finally did agree to a meal. I also fully intended to stand him up. Which I did the next day... and he still came back!!! How did it ever end you're wondering? Well peeps... by now he knew I didn't have a boyfriend so that lie wouldn't work. I did what any jin would have done. I went for a meal with him. After the food came I took the check, said I was paying for the food so we were even for the flowers he sent, I stood up, left my food and him sitting there whilst uttering the final words he'd ever hear from me, "Oh, btw... I'm a lesbian."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This brings us to my second tale...

"The Anonymous Non-Customer"

Another thing that most people don't realize is how many jealous nasty individuals are out there. The angry bitter populace of a small town. Every single time my photo is in the local paper I receive (at least one) anonymous hate mail. Haahaa! I'll bet that surprises you! I generally don't tell anyone, for there really is nothing I can do except laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. That is, until I discovered blogging; the power to blast, and quite possibly embarrass, the small minded bored losers who only pull cowardly foolish stunts such as this because they want others to feel as unloved, unwanted & dimwitted as they do. But what I really want to say to the woman who wrote this:

You're just jealous because I'm younger, gorgeous & jintrinsicly more talented than you could ever be you old biach!

Customers from hell Volume VIII"The Passion of the jin"

Let's get something straight right off the bat: to do ANYTHING well in this lifetime you need to have a true passion for it . . . be it drawing, cooking, secret agent stuff, animation, movie making, writing, poetry, glass blowing, crunching numbers, teaching au pairs, beading, sailing, being a strategic sales executive, making people LOL, being a great Mom, staying strong, carving wooden spoons, enlightening people, witticisms, creating music, imagination, hand-cuffing bad dudes, monkeying around, virtual hiking & surviving. (OMG...that took me so long; I hope I got all the regulars! Am SO sorry if I forgot someone or screwed up a linky! :-S)

Most of you know me quite well by now.
Many of you have tasted my pastry creations by now.

They are (pastry)
as
I am (passionate).

People ask how I can make so few ingredients taste so mindnumbingly wonderful. It's 2 things, really.
1. Quality of ingredients
&
2. jinpassion

I am very serious about what I do.
I am a total perfectionista.
I have a very firm handshake.
I bake with pure love & a pure heart.
I am very passionate about the things that I believe in & all the things I do.
I write with 100% of my soul.
If I don't mean it; I don't type it.
If I feel it; I DO type it.

This is me.
This Blog IS ME!
It is a passionate creation about my passionate creations!

I believe all of my regular readers (and customers) know by now how I do business.
I ALWAYS give you more than what you pay for. I go the extra mile. You are not given 'just a dessert'; you are given a memory ...a lingering on the tastebuds ...a blissful release from reality ...you are given something created by 2 human hands that is expressly for you (or the person you sent the gift to ;-).

I don't hold back... why, if I held back, you'd only get a mediocre pastry & really, what's the point of doing something half-assed?! No no no no no! Everything MUST be EXCEPTIONAL! I will not tolerate anything less.

I throw myself into ALL that I do.
Baking
Cooking
Writing
Tarot
Caring for Friends & Family
Correspondance
*Censored*
Brochure Layout & Design
My Personal Health/Exercise
Really, everything that I do.

But,
all of you know this.
I know you know.
I love you for it.
You allow me to be me.
Creative Passionate jin.
You don't judge: you absorb & enjoy.
(I know you do cos of all those brilliant comments I get!)
*jingrin*

Where is all this leading to dear blogfans?
Yes, yes...I'm getting there.
I lost a customer today.
Oh dear. *jin rolls her eyes*
She canceled her wedding cake order.
You will NEVER guess why...
No, seriously, you won't.
It's the most ridiculous reason I think anyone could ever come up with.
Are you ready for this?
It's because she read this very blog!
*GASP* *SHOCK* *SURPRISE* *DISGUST*

*jingiggle*

Um....yeah, that's the reason.
What you expected something else?
Well, golly gee... she saw some 'swear words' here.
She can't possibly have me create her wedding cake anymore.
*boo-hoo*

Evidently, my creations are beautiful
um...
but the real me is not?

...and there you have it peeps, just another episode of:
Customers from Hell or WTF were they thinking!?

Customers From Hell Volume VII"Could you please repeat that? Actually, DON'T!"

10 things you should never ever say to a pastry chef:
(Yes, I have been asked ALL of these throughout the years!)

1. "Have you ever dropped a wedding cake?"
(In casual conversation, with a friend, this might be ok...it's the ones that ask you with an evil glint in their eye that you have to look out for! For the record- No, I have NEVER dropped one!)

2. "But, your buttercream is awful! It doesn't taste anything like the stuff in the can!"

3. "I really love your cakes, but could you please add Crisco & salt to the frosting this time?"

4. "Could you bake this for me please? My oven doesn't work."
*As she hands me a Betty Crocker Cake Mix in a box.*

5. "The price says $2.00 per cookie, that isn't right! You MUST mean for a whole pound!"

6. "DON'T DROP THE WEDDING CAKE!!!"
*As I'm carrying it to the display table.*

7. "Price doesn't matter! I want the best . . . oh, & how much will that cost me?"

8. "I'm having 500 guests at my wedding. I don't want to pay more than $250.00 for a cake."

9. "I don't care if it tastes good, as long as it looks nice."

10. "Oh! Free coffee & samples! I don't have to buy anything then!"
*And she didn't.*

Customers from Hell Volume VI"You Want Me to WHAT?!!?"

Most people used to plan weddings ahead of time. Lately they do not. Recently I have received several orders for wedding cakes 2-3 weeks before the wedding date. Interesting. The story that follows will not be supplemented with photos as per usual. This would be because I DID NOT take any. I don't care to be reminded of it.

Just over 2 weeks ago we had 3 ladies (Wedding Girl, Mom, Grandma) come in to order 50 cupcakes for a wedding. They had a photo of a stand with cupcakes on, it was decorated with beads, ribbon & fresh flowers. Unfortunately it was impossible to order a stand just like that with only 2 weeks to work with. I gave them 2 options, either rent equipment I already had (pedestal plates) or go shopping & purchase their own stand.

They discussed for a while without coming to an immediate conclusion. I mentioned that from checking out the local stores supply that there was only one type of cupcake stand readily available, it was a 3 tier stand made of heavy gauge silver wire which held approx. 25 single cupcakes.

Wedding Girl wanted to shoppe for a stand. Mom said they didn't have the time. Wedding Girl REALLY wanted the wire stand.

(I thought I'd be nice. Why you ask? Because of Karma...I try to do nice things for people when I can. I figured it'd only take me 10 minutes to pick up the stand & that's one less trip for these nice people.)

I offered to do that if they were sure they wanted the stand. I said we'd figure $25 into the bill because I was sure that'd cover it. I again mentioned it was a "plain silver metal wire stand" & did they want any additional adornments? They didn't think so. I went through the options, just in case.
Fresh flowers? No.
Tulle around the stand? No.
A ribbon on the top trailing down? No.

Just bright flowers piped on the cupcakes.

(Wedding Girl was very sweet, she picked delicious flavours & beautifully coloured flowers!)

Skip to a week later. I had picked up the stand. It was more money than I originally thought so I decided I'd offer to keep it & give them back $15 (the $10 is a minimum standard for equipment rental) when they returned the stand. This was discussed with Wedding Girl & she was pleased. BTW-I was impressed with the stand, high quality & pretty cool looking!

Skip to this past Friday. I was to deliver to the residence where the ceremony was being performed, in town but about a 15 minute drive each way. Before D & I left I grabbed a large portion of pretty pink tulle, just in case. (I'd rather have it with me if I need it or not. On rare occasion there is nothing dressing the cake table & this adds a nice touch.)

We arrive at the residence. Wedding Girl is not there but Mom & Grandma are, along with several other women. They have a small table in the living room with a blue cloth & a bouquet of flowers on for the cupcakes. I set the stand on the table & Mom stands next to me as I start to take out the tulle.

Me-"I brought along some tulle to bunch up under the stand."
She-(Looks at me kind of funny/strange.)
Me-"Unless you don't want me to use the tulle?"
She-"No. I have the table cloth. You can move the flower bouquet if you want to but DON'T use the tulle. It DOESN'T need it! No."
Me-"Ok. That's fine, I certainly don't have to use it."

I stuffed the tulle back into my bag. D & I set up the cupcakes EXACTLY as Wedding Girl requested. (As my regular blogfans already know, I am incredibly anal retentive. I LISTEN to the brides & MAKE SURE I remember/write down EXACTLY what they want!)

Set up is complete & our 'audience' of roughly 8 women comment how beautiful it looks! YAY! They seem excited & mention they can't wait to taste them. As we leave everyone is smiley & nice. Back to the shoppe to start tomorrows wedding cake orders.

As I start to turn on the oven & gather the pans that I need the phone rings. My mother answers it. I notice she isn't saying much of anything & then she shoots me an 'I can't believe this!' look. She rolls her eyes & tells me the woman on the phone said that's not the stand they wanted & are incredibly disappointed with the presentation of the cupcakes.

W. T. F. ?!!?

I grab the phone, (I assumed it was the Mom)
Me-"This is Jennifer. What seems to be the problem?" (I am audibly annoyed.)
She (turns out to be the older Sister of Wedding Girl)-"Hi. My Mom is very disappointed with the presentation of the cupcakes. She said she picked out a white stand with embellishments all over it & that you have the photo."
Me-"I informed your Mother that I could not POSSIBLY get that stand with only 2 weeks notice. This was discussed & she agreed to go with the exact silver wire stand that I set up in your living room."
(I can hear the Mom bitching in the background but it sounds as if her daughter is trying to calm her down.)
She-"My Mom said you had some tulle with you?"
Me-"Yes, she told me NOT to use it."
She-"Well, she wants you to come back & put the tulle under the cake."

W. T. F.?!!?

Me (trying very very very hard not to scream into the phone because the daughter is actually being nice & she seems to be caught in the middle)-"I am baking other wedding cakes right now. I am very busy. She told me NOT to put the tulle under the cake. Now, you want me to come back there with the tulle?!!?"
She-"Yes."

(Me thinking: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! All this SHIT for One Hundred & Twenty FUCKING dollars?!!?!!?!!? I'm supposed to drive an additional 15 minutes EACH WAY to bring you a piece of FUCKING tulle that SHE told me not to put on the table?!!?)

All the while my brain is running through the above the girl on the phone is asking where I went to school because she thinks she knows me. She mentions that cupcakes are decorated beautifully. She is very relaxed & kind of chatty. I'm only half answering her questions because I'm trying to figure out what to do. Then I get a message from that little voice that lives in my head. It tells me to go back with the tulle. I ALWAYS listen to that voice because it's always right. This particular time I had no fucking idea WHY, but I knew then that I had to go. (I know you're ALL groaning at me right now because you're thinking 'no way should I go back for that amount of $.)
Me-(Very short & annoyed) "Yes. We went to grade school together. I remember you. What time is the wedding?"
She-"5:00pm. What time do you think you could get here?"
Me (I look at my watch. It's just after 3:30 already.)"I'll come right away. You will make sure the tulle is returned WITH the stand?"
She-"Yes. Thank you SO much!"

I get off the phone & my Mom & D are staring at me like 'you're NOT going back, are you?!!?'

Do you want to know what I said?
Are you SURE you want to know what I said?
Well, suffice it to say that I said a few choice words in an incredibly raised vocal tone interspersed with 'I HAVE to go back.'

I am assaulted with a montage of why?'s.

As I run out the door with the tulle I am asking myself the same thing.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The girl who I spoke with on the phone opened the door for me. Everyone else was gone.

Me-"Are you SURE you want me to put the tulle there?"
She-"Yes, yes. It doesn't matter how you do it. Thank you SO MUCH for coming back! My Mom's gone. She went to pick up my sister (aka Wedding Girl). You have NO IDEA what you've done for our family!"
Me-"I DID discuss ALL of this with your Mother. She KNEW I couldn't get that stand. She also told me NO MORE embellishments were needed."
She-"Oh, don't worry about it. I believe you! (She waves her hand in the air as if to dismiss my need to even mention the facts.) My Mother's crazy & wouldn't remember ONE thing that you told her anyway. Really, thank you so much for coming back with the tulle. If you wouldn't have my Mother would have RUINED the entire WEDDING for my sister! The cupcakes ARE gorgeous & what you're doing with the tulle looks great."

I'm really kind of stunned. I expected the Mom to be there. I was even going to let her have it (reputation be damned!) if she said ANYTHING about the stand. Instead, I was faced with a really nice girl, totally relaxed & nonchalant, that I was friends with about 20 years ago, who acted as if she was VERY FAMILIAR with settling family arguments. I fluffed the tulle. Small talk was made. (Are you married, do you have kids, etc.) Just as I am walking out I catch a glance of the groom (gee, he looks familiar.....?) & I tell them both I hope the rest of their day is wonderful. She again thanks me profusely with one final, "You really have no idea what you've done for our family."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

As I'm driving back down Menasha Avenue I am overflowing with mixed feelings. I reach over & pop in a U2 CD. I blast the song 'Beautiful Day' repeatedly. The main thought that was going through my head was from one of my regular commenters. (Isn't it funny how blogging begins to meld itself into your 'real life'?) East Village Idiot (whom I like to refer to as evi seeing as I have a strong feeling she's NO idiot! ;-) has commented in the past: 'Do those people in your town know how lucky they are!!!' (Yeah, yeah, I can quote comments like that because I'm sentimental & cheesy & save all my blog comments/emails. *blush*)

No. No, I don't think they do. I know why the voice in my head told me to go back; so Wedding Girl would have a peaceful wedding day. She seemed very sweet & innocent & as it turns out, I did happen to know the groom in passing (sort of? lol) & a member of his family was a friend of mine (I just never connected the dots until Saturday afternoon.....)
But, think about it.
Really, would anyone else have gone back? I don't mean you, personally. I mean anyone who makes wedding cakes here, or anywhere. For a $120 order that was already paid in full. No, I think NOT. I very seldom get tips. I very seldom get thank you cards. Yet I go out of my way, for no personal gain, on a regular basis. Does this make for good Karma or just a gullible taken-advantage-of jin? At this point, I didn't even know if I would get my equipment back.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Saturday afternoon came & I had just finished my other wedding orders. The deliveries were not until early evening so I ran upstairs to check my email. I never even heard anyone come in the shoppe so I totally missed it. The girl that thanked me yesterday brought ALL the equipment back herself. She raved how wonderful the cupcakes were. I guess she chatted with my Mom for about 10 minutes. The entire time she was in our shoppe her Mother was sitting in the car out front staring straight ahead. Maybe she was embarrassed for throwing a bitch-fit? I certainly hope so.

Customers from Hell Volume V"REPLICA"

First, a happy story to offset the 'Customer from Hell'.

A few years ago I was commissioned to create a likeness of a local museum (The Rahr West Art Museum). The museum has 2 parts, the newer art gallery addition & the older & historically preserved 3 story mansion. The Museum's president wanted me to recreate the mansion out of gingerbread. It was to be auctioned off to the highest bidder as a fundraiser.

Here is how something like this normally works: an individual donates the $ to pay me for my work, they write it off as a charitable contribution, the institution makes their $ from the sale of the item & everyone is happy.

I ALWAYS spend more time on a project like this than the amount of $ I receive from it. I feel that my extra hours & perfectionism is my donation. Most people are very pleased with an arrangement such as this.

Now I will treat you to the photos of the gingerbread mansion. (The link above will take you to a picture of the building itself.)

For scale: The base of the mansion was aprox. 2' x 2'. It stood roughly 4' tall.

This was a successful project. The persons involved were VERY pleased with the finished results. Yay!


Now...on to my rant. About 2 weeks ago I receive a call from the local courthouse. They are celebrating their centennial with a plan to restore a good portion of the beautiful building. The woman I spoke with explained that I came highly recommended as someone who could recreate the domed courthouse out of cake. "Of course!" I said.

She explained that they had a very limited budget & they needed cake to serve 200 people. As they were giving it away free I suggested the most cost effective option & told her I would give her an additional 10% discount just because. She said they really wanted me to make a small replica, whether or not they were able to order the additional sheet cakes from me. She stressed that it was very important that the cake resemble the courthouse from the stairs all the way up to the dome. I said that I could copy it in exquisite detail! She closed the conversation by saying she had to run it past a few more people yet, but that she would call back the next day either way.

People can be very rude & shallow in a small town. You'd think it would be the opposite. Nay. Very few people return phone calls or emails. (Except Uniquely Yours!) I really didn't think that would be the case here. I didn't expect the entire order but I did EXPECT the courtesy call back. Silly me. In hindsight, I have to wonder if the entire call wasn't just a 'hint' to see if I'd do it for FREE. In your fucking dreams lady! You can't tell me she couldn't collect 10 bucks from every well-to-do person in that building to fund an exquisitely 'Detailed Replica'. Oh, wait, I suppose they need that cash to run their gas guzzling trucks, bmw's, mercedes, lexus' & suv's. Right.

They did find someone else to do it for free. I assume. I mean I hope to hell they didn't pay one cent for the 'courthouse cake' that appeared on the front page of our local rag. I won't even post it here people. Sorry. I know you're dying to see it, too. It was the UGLIEST, most CROOKED cake I've EVER seen! Truly pathetic. If I were the person that was responsible for acquiring that monstrosity I would be embarrassed for the rest of my days. Not to mention whomever made it, because NO ONE took credit for it, in the article anyway. I did try to find a linky for you...no luck. Haha!!! They wouldn't even scan that badboy to put it up on the internet!

Ah well, c'est la vie. Life in a small town keeps getting better & better.

Customers from Hell Volume IV"I nearly DYed!"

I think, at least once per year, we get one of those customers that 'knows it all'. Really, it doesn't matter what I recommend, they try to insist upon something entirely ludicrous!

Example:
A lady wants to order a 2 tier cake for a Halloween party. I think YAY (!) fun decorations...no no no...silly me. She has her very own idea. She has it ALL planned in her peroxide blond head.

She- "I want the WHOLE cake frosted BLACK!"

**My mouth springs open before I can pretend I'm not shocked**

Me- "I can do that... but..."
She- "Good. I want the decorations in orange."
Me- "Well, why don't we frost the whole cake in orange & do the decorations in black?"
She- "No. I want it FROSTED in black."
Me- "That would require an AWFUL LOT of black food colouring."
She- "Ok."
Me- "Well, when you use that much black food colouring, the people that eat the cake will end up with black tongues & lips."
She- "I don't think it will be that bad. It'll be funny."
Me- "Actually, I don't think they will find it that funny. Plus, if you want it that black it sort of changes the taste of the French buttercream. I could frost the whole cake in a very dark chocolate buttercream?"
She- "No. I don't want chocolate. I want it black."

(Notice, I'm doing my best to accommodate her without giving her a GROSS tasting cake & pissed off friends?!!?)

Me- "Well, I really won't frost a 1/2 sheet cake in black, what if I frost the bottom tier orange, then put a very thin layer of lightly tinted black frosting over the smaller top tier & decorate each in the opposite colour? I really am serious when I tell you how much the black food colouring dyes peoples faces & fingers."
She- "Well, you can do it that way but I still want the top tier really dark black & ALL the decorations in really dark black! I don't care if it dyes them! It'll be funny!"

You know, we're not talking a group of kids here either...this was a party for 75 middle-aged adults, no children invited. I did frost the cake as she asked, she was a very regular customer, but I was not happy as I knew anyone who did take a piece would not be pleased themselves after a glance in a mirror. I also knew many people would not even take a piece just because of the colour, which would probably leave her with a few too many left-overs! But, I tried my best & decorated it nicely. She never came back in my shoppe again.

Is the customer always right?
HELL, NO!!!

Am I sorry I lost a regular?
Sometimes.....but really, what more could I have said or done? She insisted!

Have I envisioned in my minds eye 75 people running around with black teeth, tongues & fingers?
HELL, YEAH!!!
(I suppose she was right to a degree, it looks pretty damn funny! Hahaha!!!)

"End-of-Post Teaser Cake Shot"

Now, wouldn't you rather have had it frosted
with this luscious dark chocolate French buttercream???

Customers From Hell Volume III"Surely You Jest!?"

Help yourself to a brown sugary, buttery, caramel, pecan 'Turtle Triangle' topped with melted Belgian white & dark chocolate while you read my woeful tale.
Go on, take 2 or 3, they're small!!!

Yet another true tale
of a LOST pastry sale
many moons past
but the memory sure did last.

On a very busy Saturday, orders going out left & right, a wedding cake being finished off to prepare for delivery, my work momentum is suddenly shattered by the annoying ring-ring-ring of the phone. Luckily, my Mom is taking care of the customers so I can finish up on the wedding cakes.

I overhear what my Mom is telling the customer:
"Oh, that's terrible."
pause
"No, we don't really do that."
pause
"No, I'm sure you can't take it like that."
pause
"No, Jennifer won't do that."
pause
"Yes, I'm sure she won't do that."
pause
"She's very busy finishing a wedding cake now."
pause
"No, it won't help if she sees it, she won't do it."
pause
"Yes I can ask her, but she'll tell you the same thing."
pause
"Just hold on a minute."

She calls me over & starts to whisper with her hand over the phone.

"It's Mrs. So&So (another doctor's wife), she pre-ordered & picked up a cake from Copps' Bakery. She is taking the cake to a 'fancy upper-crust' party in Chicago tonight & is ashamed how terribly the cake has been decorated & wants to know if you will decorate it nicely for her."

(For those of you not familiar, Copps is a supermarket with an in-store bakery. To be blunt, their product is basically disgusting, putrid, fluorescent, repulsive, chemical, shit prepackaged to fool the average non-discriminating consumer into thinking it is really edible bakery.)

I say, "Surely you jest!?"
(Actually, I said, "You've got to be FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!" But I didn't want you all to think I'm crude.)

"No, I just checked with Jennifer & she said she won't do that."
pause
"She only decorates cakes that she makes."
pause
"Her designs are unique & she wouldn't want anyone to think she baked that cake."
pause
"Yes. That's why many people order special cakes directly from us."
pause
"No, I'm sorry, she won't do it, we can't help you."

She finally gets off the phone. Neither of us can really believe this woman called to ask that. Ah, well...I had to get going with the wedding cake.

About an hour & a half later I am turning back down the street my shoppe is on, the delivery went smoothly, one more to go & I'll be finished for the weekend.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear?
That woman's car, by our shoppe, parked so near!

(Small town...so of course I knew her car, plus it was a special model...for a special person...what do they call it? TS turboB, yeah, that's it Tight n Snooty turboBitch!)

I walk in, preparing to rush around, as I did have one more wedding delivery. Would you believe she actually brought that cake into our shoppe!!!??? Yes, sirree, she's standing there holding a Copps Crisco Catastrophe! I got lucky. She didn't see me come in the side door & as I'm collecting my thoughts in the kitchen (Remember what I told you a while back, I'm too nice sometimes (!) & I wanted to cool down.) I see her walk out the front door with the cake, get in her TS turboB & drive off.

It turns out that she had walked in while I was gone & insisted that my Mom decorate her cake because I wasn't there. Now, my Mom does a WHOLE LOT of awesome stuff, but decorating a cake isn't one of them & she'll be the first to admit it. The woman explained that she told Copps she wanted it redecorated, but their decorator had already gone home for the day. The girl behind the bakery counter gave her several bags of plastic decorations for free, but this woman thought they were tacky. Hmmm....I have to say it people....here it comes.....it was tacky to order a cake from Copps if you're trying to impress people in the first goddamn place!!!

Am I right, or am I right?!

I need to clarify something here. I truely go out of my way for people. That is, nice people & regular customers. 99 out of every 100 of my customers are fantastic, gracious, lovely people. That's why I still do what I do. I'll never be rich doing this, but I sure think I can be happy & isn't that what matters most? But then there are these freaks, every few years, that have kept their negative impressions in my brain.....I think I finally found the solution to letting them go. What's that, you ask? Why, passing them on to all of you, of course!!!

Customers from Hell Volume II"Pukey Money"

If you were to visit me for breakfast when I was too busy to cook you something extra special, you might get an array like this:

Another true tale
of a pastry sale
many moons past
but the memory sure did last.

She used to come in for an open house sale almost monthly.
Very slim, the wife of a doctor, no need to worry about calories or pennies.
Every single time:
She- "How much for a cookie?"
Me- "One dollar."
She- "I don't really need any, I'll just eat them if I buy them."
Me- "Can I get you anything?"
She- "One dollar each?"
Me- "Yes."
She- "If I come back just before you close are they cheaper?"
Me- "No, I'm sorry, we don't do that." (Actually, sometimes I do. But certainly not in this situation as it was all the time!)
She- "Maybe I'll come back later."

Near closing time she would come back & if there weren't any cookies left, she'd leave empty handed (except for a cup of the free coffee we offer).
If there were cookies left:
She- "How much are they?"
Me- "One dollar."
She- "How much were they this morning?"
Me- "One dollar."
She- "You're only open a few more minutes, don't you sell them cheaper now?"
Me- "No, I'm sorry we don't do that."
She- "I don't really need any. I'll take two."
Me- "$2.00 please."

On one occasion this ended quite differently, much to my chagrin. She had a baby with her.....don't ask me how old, you people know I'm not a kid person by now.....but, it wasn't laying in her arms it was sort of sitting up on one arm. I turned my back to wrap the 2 cookies & as I turn back around to hand them to her & take the $2.00 I am mortified to see the kid puking & she is holding out the $2.00 to catch it with! (*AHEM* The kid was wearing a bib!!!) She then proceeds to hesitantly (because she didn't really want to part with them) hand me the dollars while saying, "It's only throw up."

What. The. Fuck!!!

I'll swear to all of you right now that she did it on purpose, expecting me to tell her to keep it. I'd be DAMNED before I did that! I grabbed a paper towel & handed it to her, while taking the 'pukey money' & keeping a smile on my face so as not to belie my absolute horror with touching those gross wet sticky dripping dollars! EWwww!!!

In the process of drizzling mini pecan pies.

Actual size of a Pecan Tassie.

Customers From Hell Volume I "WTF were they thinking?"

Customer #1
A cake something* like this one:

Wife calls to place order. Recommended size for amount of servings she needs is a 10" or 12" round. She insists on an 8" round. She is being quite obviously cheap. She says her husband will pick up said cake on Saturday after 2:oopm. Husband comes in at 9:00am on Saturday for the cake. He is (very loudly) upset that his cake is not done. I have a shoppe full of people. He steps up to the counter, in front of numerous customers, & says, "Gimme one of those" while pointing at a peanut square. He is told that will be one dollar, "You mean you want a WHOLE dollar for that thing? I can get it somewhere else for a quarter!" Thankfully, a couple of my regulars pipe up & tell him it's really worth it, our bakery is very good. He takes the peanut square & storms out while mumbling something about having to come back again.

Husband is back at 1:00pm for cake. It is finished, he pays, he leaves, we think YAY! No more from them. HA!

Monday afternoon a phone call from the wife, informing me that she served everyone a piece of the cake, they all said it was awful & she still had 1/4 of the cake left. Remember when I said before that the cake could NOT physically serve that many people? Yet she had some left? I think not. But me, trying for that good old customer service says, "Bring back the leftover cake & we'll take care of it."
She says, "I can't."
"What? Why not?" I am dumbfounded.
Her reply, "Because my husband said he wants to eat the rest of it."

Uh-huh. Bad cake my arse!!!

I end the conversation by promising we'll even up with her next time she places an order, knowing full well that she'd never call again!

Customer #2
A cake something* like this one:

Wife calls & orders a half sheet cake for husbands surprise 50th birthday party to pick up on Saturday. On Monday morning wife calls & complains that the cake was very dry & basically terrible. None of the guests ate it. She insists she doesn't want her money back or credit for a future purchase. She is just letting us know so that we are aware.

On Monday afternoon a new customer calls. They tasted our cake at the aforementioned 50th birthday party this past Saturday. The cake was so wonderful she orders one for later in the month.

On Tuesday another new customer calls. They tasted our cake at the aforementioned 50th birthday party. They also order a cake.

Would you believe, one more time, a third new customer orders a cake who was at that very party.

A year or two passes & all is forgotten. I have a shoppe full of customers & my Mom calls me over & whispers, "Make sure you say hello to that woman." Well, I have no idea who said woman is but I know my Mom said it for a reason, so I went out of my way to flash her a smile & wish her a wonderful weekend. The woman says, "I haven't had one of your cakes in so long! I need to order one! If I bring in a picture of a cake shaped like a hat can you do it?"
"Certainly," I reply.

After she leaves I ask Mom who this lady was...yes, you guessed it. The wife mentioned above!

Customer #3
A cake something* like this one:

Daughter comes in to order a surprise birthday cake for Mom. Cost is no object, she knows just what she wants. She proceeds to order a VERY LARGE round cake with really cool decorations! We actually tell her she wouldn't need to go that large for her estimated guests, she would have plenty with a smaller size. "No, no..this will be good. We like left overs." Daughter says her Dad will pick up the cake after 1:00pm on Saturday.

At 9:30am on Saturday Dad comes to pick up the cake. It is not quite finished. I inform him I can have it done in less than a half hour. He is not pleased he has to come back. I apologize, but I tell him that I finish the cakes in the order of their pick up times. Since his wasn't supposed to be until 1:00pm, I finished the morning cakes first. He admits his daughter did not tell him 1:00pm. He asks to pay the bill now, so he can just run in & get the cake later. I give him his bill. Evidently, his daughter did not tell him the cost of the cake she picked out either. His eyes grew much larger than their sockets as his jaw flopped to the ground. (Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, but you get the idea!) He pays by credit card & leaves.

1:00pm rolls around & he comes in. (Take note: I am pretty pleased with the way the cake looks, it's really cool!) He picks up the very large box & says the cakes looks great. I walk ahead to hold the door for him & as he passes me he says in a not-too-friendly tone, "It BETTER be WORTH it!"

I silently wish his nice daughter would have picked it up. Ah well. I know once they cut into it all will be right with the universe as I knew this cake would taste awesome!

Monday rolls around & the Dad calls to complain that the cake was over baked, none of the guests ate it & he thinks he should get a partial refund. Now, do you remember, I mentioned this was a really big cake? Way too many servings for what they needed! But the daughter did not have a problem with that. When asked how much he had left, he replied, "None. My wife took the left-overs to work for her birthday treat."

Yeah, right. Another one bites the dust!

*The cakes pictured above were not the actual cakes in question.
However, the story below IS the photo of the cake being described.

Customer #4
This was her cake:

An older lady comes in & wants a 'unique' cake made. She wants it to look like a big tequila worm, 3D style. This was many (many!) years ago, I thought it would be fun to do & would add some great photos to my portfolio which was sparse at the time. I told her I would only charge her $60.00 which was an absolute steal! She thought that was way too much (!) & would have to think about it (read: see if she could get it cheaper somewhere else).

A few days pass, back in she comes, with her leathery skin, hacking like a smoker of at least 50 years. With her deep rattling voice she says, "Ok, I'll order it, but he'd better DAMN WELL appreciate it!" I also deem it appropriate to mention that I do deliver, for an extra charge, if she doesn't want the hassle of picking it up. Surprise, she's not interested if it costs more.

She came in to pick it up on a Saturday at 1:00pm. She seemed to be pleased with how it looked, surprised it was that tall & said, "It sure as hell didn't have to be that big!"


I figure she is one of those people that simply bitches about everything so I smile & ask if I can carry it to her car for her. "Yeah, I'll let ya 'cuz if ya drop it I git my money back!"

We get to her car & she tells me to put it on the back seat. I tell her I don't recommend that, as her back seat is slightly slanted & the cake should really be placed on a totally flat surface, much like her trunk, or on the floor in the front seat. "Nah, It'll be fine! Put it there!", she seems incredibly annoyed with me. So, I put it on the back seat & try to tie the seatbelt around the box so there is a bit of stability. I turn to face her & say, very slowly, "You NEED to drive carefully. Easy on the corners!" I felt I did all that I could do.

I turn to walk back into the shoppe & hear her squeal (Yes, SQUEAL!) her tires as she zooms around the corner. I knew there was no way that cake was still standing. But what more could I have done? It was 100 degrees outside, a beautiful Saturday afternoon & only 1:00pm. That was my last pick-up for the day. I closed up the shoppe & didn't return until Monday morning.

There was one message on the answering machine. It was recorded at 2:30pm, Saturday. It was that woman yelling that she just arrived at her destination & the cake was completely ruined, so badly, you can't even see what it is. Frosting is everywhere.

Hmm...let's check the facts, shall we?
She left our shoppe at 1:00 on the dot.
Her destination was less that 10 minutes from our shoppe.
It was 100 degrees outside. (French Buttercream, anyone? You are aware that butter does, in fact melt, right? Of course you are!)
Her call was at 2:30...exactly 1-1/2 hours after she left our shoppe.
I think all my dear intelligent readers can visualize exactly how this turns out.

My partner loses the drawing of straws on this one & rings the psycho. (Confession coming up here...I make sure she almost ALWAYS gets that straw! *Giggles* I don't mind dealing with those bastards in person, it's when they're on the phone that I can't stand it!) I'll spare you the majority of uninteresting drivel spewed forth from, clearly, one of Satan's spawn. The part that hurt us deeply came just before she hung up when she informed us she would, "Never set foot in your store again!"

YAY! A happy ending. Just like in the fairy tales.