Monday, January 14, 2008

Customers From Hell Volume IX
"The Non-Customer"

Recently I mentioned I was included in a story written for an area newspaper. A couple weeks after that, our local newspaper reprinted another version of the same story. (Click here to view the online version. Note: in the newspaper there was an additional photo; a large cookie close-up.)

The photo of me was actually taken in mid-November, hence the reason I'm still wearing my wedding rings. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was that they were blatantly there for all to see even though I am currently available. Why you ask? Well, this brings us to my first tale...

"The Non-Customer that Wouldn't Go Away"

Many years ago there was an unhitched jin that had her photo in the newspaper along with a story about her cakes. Most unfortunately the photo included a close-up of her left hand sans rings. As any local female who has been in this same position will tell you, "Manitowoc does have it's share of weirdos and if they find your name & number after seeing you in the news they will call you."

I was warned by another area business woman but thought nothing of it... until...
One sunny afternoon I was busy filling orders when the phone rang.
me- "Uniquely Yours Pastry Shoppe Jennifer speaking."
he- "Uh, hi. I'd like to place an order."
me- "Ok, when would you like this for?"
he- "Uh, I'm not sure."
me- "Ok... well, do you know what you'd like or shall I go over our brochure with you?"
he- "I know what I want."
me- "Ok, what would you like?"
he- "I wanna take you to dinner."
me- "Excuse me?"
he- "Will you go to dinner with me?"
me- "Uhhh..." *Thinking omfg! You've got to be kidding me?!!?*
he- "I saw your picture in the paper & you look like the type of girl I'd like to go out with."
me- "Well, I'm sorry but you have to realize how this sounds. I am not going to go out with someone I've never met."
he- "Can I come over now and meet you then?"
me- "NO! Uh... I mean I'm closing now, sorry. I have to go. Bye."

*Click*
I hang up the phone and decide to never answer it again ('twas the unfortunate days before Caller ID).

The next day I'm going about my business when I see a flower truck pull up. In walks the delivery guy (who I am acquainted with) carrying a large arrangement. I tell him I'd like to see the card before he leaves. It says, "Will you have dinner with me?" There is a name & a phone number. I tried to insist that the delivery guy take the arrangement back with him. I did not want to accept it for I had a bad feeling about the whole situation. He said it was his job to deliver them & that's what he had to do. DAMN!

I go over all my options & decide to simply do nothing. Silly jin, I forgot that doesn't work with demented individuals. DOUBLE DAMN!

He called again & I got caught answering (this is a business after all & I couldn't ignore my sane customers). I thanked him for the flowers & apologized but I was still not going to dinner with a complete stranger. I hung up the phone.

[Let me interject here... I have no idea why I didn't just lie & say I had a boyfriend. Like... a world champion body builder maybe... that just got out of prison... for... umm... killing a stalker! Yeah! That would have been great! Why didn't I think of it then?!!? ACK! Slow jin! Er, not to be confused with sloe gin.]

The next day he came to my shoppe and introduced himself. He also informed me ummm... ok I'm censoring this part actually... too much detail and it involves weird stalkerish behaviour on his part. Anyway... I still ended up saying I would not go to dinner with him and it was awkward and he just stood there like he wasn't going to leave. He eventually said, "Tell me what I have to do to impress you!" I accidentally blurted out in a jincredibly annoyed tone, "Usually if a guy wants to impress me he comes into my shoppe and actually spends a few $ & BUYS something I make!!!" His reply, "Will you go to lunch with me then?"

You all know I hate being a bitch, I really do... but if push comes to shove... well, let's just say I knew I had to be. To get rid of him I finally did agree to a meal. I also fully intended to stand him up. Which I did the next day... and he still came back!!! How did it ever end you're wondering? Well peeps... by now he knew I didn't have a boyfriend so that lie wouldn't work. I did what any jin would have done. I went for a meal with him. After the food came I took the check, said I was paying for the food so we were even for the flowers he sent, I stood up, left my food and him sitting there whilst uttering the final words he'd ever hear from me, "Oh, btw... I'm a lesbian."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This brings us to my second tale...

"The Anonymous Non-Customer"

Another thing that most people don't realize is how many jealous nasty individuals are out there. The angry bitter populace of a small town. Every single time my photo is in the local paper I receive (at least one) anonymous hate mail. Haahaa! I'll bet that surprises you! I generally don't tell anyone, for there really is nothing I can do except laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. That is, until I discovered blogging; the power to blast, and quite possibly embarrass, the small minded bored losers who only pull cowardly foolish stunts such as this because they want others to feel as unloved, unwanted & dimwitted as they do. But what I really want to say to the woman who wrote this:

You're just jealous because I'm younger, gorgeous & jintrinsicly more talented than you could ever be you old biach!

36 Responses to “Customers From Hell Volume IX
"The Non-Customer"”

Ace said...

Um.

OK, first off, I paid my bill. :) So no one thinks this is me.

Second, why couldn't you post the letter so we could read it???

Third, I knew somebody who once got a date, or at least a drink/dance with a hot girl by walking up to her when she was being harassed, putting his arm around her, and saying, "oh, there you are, hon, I've been looking for you," or some such line.

But I think that only works if you're good-looking or self-confident like him.

Am I first? It's so hard to tell now. Damn you, Billy Benchpress, for making it so hard to comment on here!

Dino aka Katy said...

you should put a photo on there with the actual letter so we can read it and then try to figure out that persons issue - after all shes got some issues

I agree! We want to comment on/about this loser, but it'd be so much better if we could first read the letter in full!! I'm guessing this loser is the "other" baker in town - the one that CAN NOT bake??? Just a guess...

G3T Films said...

Hi, I'm a small minded bored loser and I've heard you are young, gorgeous & jintrinsicly talented... will you have lunch with me. It's OK, I'm a lesbian too.

Hope everything is going well for you Miss Jin!

jimbo said...

You should keep a pet bear in the back of your shoppe, then keep some time of honey flavored cake near by, then when a creepy guys comes over you can smash the cake on his face and let the bear loose. I bet he would leave you alone! Of course you may be known as The Crazy Bear Lady... It kinda has a ring to it.

jin said...

ALL:

FYI I never even read these letters in their entirety... esp. when it's a 3 pager like this one. I skimmed, however, & phrases like these stood out:
"you are a disgrace"
"didn't anyone ever teach you how to bake"
"looking at your photo makes me gag"
"I'm telling all my friends so they never come into your shoppe again"

BLAH BLAH BLAH...

*coughhhfuckingbitchcoughhhh*

Ahem... sorry 'bout that, had something caught in my throat.
;-)

jin said...

ace:

First, HaHa! I would never write anything bad about you... we had a great dinner together and you couldn't even pretend to be that creepy. I felt totally comfortable with you & you were a brave brave munkee for walking into the situation that you did. So... yay! :-D

Second, see above.

Third, that's one observant guy & a grand opportunist!

Finally, re Billy Benchpress: yes... yes... I agree.

Damn... you need some blogger love! I still didn't do you! (That was sooo not supposed to sound like that?!) Munkee cookie... soooon!

jin said...

katy:

I believe she's an older lady.
I also believe she's the same one that sends most of them.
Issues? ahhhhh she probably just needs a good lay or some good chocolate!

jin said...

EC:

Maybe an ex-baker.
Maybe...
gosh, I've been getting these for a good 13 years already! I'm so glad I'm a blogger now so we can all make fun of her! Hee!

Can't really blame her anger tho... I'd be angry too if I was so wrinkled down there that I couldn't wear a thong anymore!

heeeheheheeee....lmfao!

jin said...

RICH!!!! :-D

I'll have lunch with you even if you are a lesbian... but that's only because you're my favourite male aussie & I know you're just throwing one of your best pick-up lines at me. ;-)
(I really hope that isn't your best pick-up line :-S)

Everything is actually going fantastically. I have been happier the past two weeks than I have been the past two years. I'd say that's a major fucking improvement!

I do cry myself to sleep every night tho... but that's because I desperately miss playing in the comment section with you! Remember our dueling poem??? Ack! Why oh why does real life have to interfere with blogging... I hope your noggin' is healin'!

jin said...

jimbo:

Maybe if I am known as The Crazy Bear Lady the weirdos will just stay away...

NONONO!!!

Uh-oh.
What if they think I'm The Crazy BARE Lady... shit I'd be flooded with weirdos!!!

p.s. Congrats on being a home owner!! :-D

foam said...

lesbian?......
that one never ocurred to me during my young, single days....
lol....

i did have some friends get rid of a would be too persistant beau by telling him all kinds of nutty things about me that were not true. so nutty, that the nutcase that persued me was outnutted.

jimbo said...

OK, maybe you keep some banana flavored cakes on hand, and you could have a gang of Ninja Monkeys in the back. Then you could be known as The Crazy Ninja Monkey Lady. How could you pass up all that ninja star throwing glory?!?!

Man, that sounds like heaven! A store full of fat guy delights and a gang of kick ass monkeys. I'd sell my soul to be there... Wait... That wouldn't get me into heaven.

G3T Films said...

The head hasn't been cut open yet, late February for that one. But it's at least it's annoying enough for me to be looking forward to the surgery.

I don't need pick up lines, I recently shaved my head to see what it would look like after surgery and now I have random women asking to feel my head. It's better than the Fonze clicking his fingers.

Of course I remember our duelling poem... I'm crazy guy number 15, I've had it tattooed on my bald head. *ducks banana thrown by Crazy Ninja Monkey Lady and runs for the door*

Glad to hear you're happier :D

Ace said...

Ninja monkeys!

Ninja monkey cookies!

I never realized how running a bakery can put you in the public eye...yikes.

jin said...

foam:

Yeah... the lesbian line only works in certain cases tho. Too many guys get all excited if you say that!
AH-haaahahahahahaaaaaa.
;-)

I'm happy to hear your nutcase was outnutted! Haahaaaa!

jin said...

jimbo:

I hear heaven is waaay over-rated. Wouldn't you rather go where you know people anyway?! I'm sure I'll be there! heeeheee.

signed,
The Crazy Ninja Monkey Lady

p.s. I'll practice my ninja skillz on the next weirdo. I'll aim for his banana.

jin said...

rich:

*Crazy Ninja Monkey Lady gets ready to throw a banana at rich but suddenly has the jincredible urge to go up to him & rub her hands over his head...*

Wow!

Must...

touch...

simply MUST...

touch...

OOOOooohhhhhhhhh...

jin said...

ace:

OMG!
C'mon...
Ninja Monkey cookies???
What do you think I am...

... a genius?!!?


oh.

Oh!

OH!!!

:-D

Why thank you Munkee!!!

jin said...

evi:

You know what's really weird? When a complete stranger comes up to you and starts chatting away because they think they know you because they've read all about you.

I once had a lady come in, order a cake because she read an article in the paper and everything was Jennifer this & Jennifer that & she gave me a hug & said how good it was to see me. When she left I asked my Mom who it was because I didn't recognize her (I assumed I had just forgotten who she was) and she informed me that I didn't know her. It was her first time in our shoppe! LOL!

Jewels said...

I've used the lesbian line... I've also used this one, which worked every time but one...
He asked me if I was into threesomes (after I told him I was a lesbian), and I replied:
Oh, you bet, there's nothing I like more than watching two guys going at it, really gets me going...

LMAO!

angel said...

oh my goodness jin... so the old adage about there being no such thing as bad publicity isn't entirely true...?
so did he eventually leave you alone?
what does the letter say!!?!?

Middle Child said...

Not a good feeling getting hate mail, but feels good to get revenge...

Why do they do it? if you believe someone is a bastard why not write a letter and say "I think you are a bastard" love and kisses Jane Doe;

There was a time when Don and I got as fair amount of this...and they weren't too shy to call him an old socialist lefty cripple and go back where he came from...he was born here...but not the guts to sign it...

coward coward custard tarts... amybe you coule make some of these can call them coward custards... and pin a copy of the letter to their display case... in your shop...maybe someone will recognise the handwriting... that's bugger them up a bit...

Middle Child said...

Just read the first part of your post... (I thought it was a separate one for some reason... I liked your ending...woulod have taken some courage to do whsat you did because there are creeps out there and they always have the element of suprise...

Done with style.... like a Jin

thought you'd just get out your bat and let it do the talking!!

jin said...

jewels:

AH-HAAAhahahahahahahahahahaaa!!!

I SERIOUSLY <3 that line.

Brilliant, brilliant I say!
;-)

jin said...

angel:

Read the bold comment I left up above in regards to the letters contents.

Yes, he left me alone after that.
Woo-Hoo!!! :-D

jin said...

MC:

Coward Custard... HAAAhahaha! I LOVE it! :-D
I agree. Only cowards don't sign what they write. So, really... what's the point in writing it to begin with!
Geez... I never even leave anonymous comments in the blogosphere!!!

Thanks for the kind words Therese!!!

jin said...

phos:

Funny you should say that...
I purchased the bat shortly after this incident!
Heeeehheheheheheehheheeeee!!!
Seriously!!!

David said...

Funny tale, in a sad and pathetic sort of way...the actions of human beings never cease to amaze (my own included). Referenced you on our blog...part II coming later.

btw, excellent comment from g3t films...cracked me up.

Love the Vegas pics too, Jin...Kim wants to talk with you about some things related to those amazing desert images.

jin said...

Hey David!

Will check out your post asap!

Haahaaa... Rich @ G3T films is a blast! Check out his blog sometime... one of my fave posts is the 'post-it note series of drawings about Jame'. Oh... and his videos... he makes GR8 videos!

Glad you & Kim liked them! I have more Vegas pics that revolve around chocolate... and truffles... and tasting them! Coming soon!

See ya Wednesday!

I never knew Manitowoc was such of hotbed of pure insanity. Writing a hate letter to someone whose bakery appears in the paper? Um, do we need more to do with our free time, people? Sheesh.

jin said...

CP:

I guess she doesn't have as much free time as she needed. She only underlined half of her pweshis hand written numbers. I betcha that'll idendify her awfully fast! HA!

Persimmons Gal said...

Oh I wanna read that letter and do you know who it is? That is a perfect example of someone who needs to take a long drive out of Manitowoc county because it has probably never happened. Sad really how pathetic some people can be.

Brillant thinking on the loser too. That took balls to go out with him!

You really seem like someone who could be my friend will you be my friend you can come visit me and I will buy you a coffee...ha ha i joke, kinda.

jin said...

persimmons gal:

LOL!
No, I don't know who it is other than the fact that it is a woman and she must be older due to the handwriting style.

I always throw these away right when I get them... but I hung onto this one for a while... am SO glad I did so I could blog about it! Heehee!

Friends are good... I need local friends... all mine are in my head... er... I mean on the net!
Ha! ;-)

I need to try and stop in your place one day! (I think I said that months ago, didn't I?! Well, should have a bit more free time for myself once this whole divorce thing is over with... *fingers crossed*)